Ducks

So I've decided to be happy.  And alone.  But that's a different story that is altogether tied up with the happiness thing.  I work a lot and when I am not working I spend an overly indulgent amount of time in front of the TV becoming too emotionally invested in the characters.  Sometimes I drink wine on my balcony overlooking a pond at 2 in the afternoon and sometimes I go for a run that ends at the fitness center and work out.  Sometimes I cook myself a respectable supper and sometimes I just eat ice cream.  I sleep and don't sleep at all hours.  I text and call my friends back home and sometimes I don't talk to anyone for a day or two.

Its both exhilarating and terrifying to be, almost entirely, alone.  I do everything in my own time or not at all.  It is said that one can never be truly alone but I think that loneliness is more of a feeling that an actual existence. And I am happy, or rather I am working on finding out what that means for me.  So for now, I am will watch the ducks and drink my wine.

So you fall in love.  All of the dreaming and wishing and praying and you find the one and the fairytales are suddenly an accurate interpretation of your life and all of the songs on the radio make sense.  You fall in love hard.  So fast, so deeply, that breathing is difficult and you honestly have to think about and remember how your body used to breathe before you fell.  Everything is dreamlike and magical; the air is fresher, the sunshine warmer and somehow brighter, the rain is even joyful, and the cold is more of an excuse (as if you need one) for physical proximity.  Every second away from your love turns into an eternity.  Time stops when you are together and the struggles of the outside world fade away.  Life becomes easier and stress fades away and suddenly problems outside your relationship do not exist.  Happiness is the only real thing and all that matters is this moment with him.

Time passes and this love becomes less severe and less novel.  The once thrilling moments of seeing one another after two hours apart turn into just simple "hey, was traffic bad?"   Suddenly, all that was fresh, new, and extraordinary becomes mundane.  The flutter of butterflies in your stomach becomes an ordinary sensation and your body becomes desensitized to the once burning touch of your lover.  Life and even love becomes ordinary.

How do you keep the spark that every old couple that has been together for a hundred years says they still have?  Does "the spark" really last or is it just that you have become so ingrained into his being that he can not imagine going a day without talking to you?  How do these everyday experiences of just seeing one another suddenly become commonplace?  As a girl, I want my lover to see me as the most extraordinary piece of art and flesh he has ever seen in his life.  I want him to think of me and only me, despite my flaws.  I want to continue to be amazing.  How do I keep being amazing when there is always the novelty of new?  There is always someone prettier or more physically fit or more comfortable in her own skin.  How is a girl supposed to compete with that?

And finally, how do you know when to call it quits?  How do you know when the fighting that has become such a part of your relationship has finally come to the point when the problems are too big to deal with?  How do you say, with such confidence, this relationship has run its course and there is nowhere else to go but in separate directions?  How do you say goodbye to your best friend and your lover, the person who knows more about you than anyone else has ever before?  It simply comes down to, I still want to be with you in your life, hanging out with you every single day but our relationship is no longer worth it so where do we go from here?

We have all seen the great romantic movies or read the epic romances where couple goes through an extreme ordeal and overcomes monumental obstacles.  When the obstacles are small and ordinary how is anyone supposed to even see them growing greater?  How do you fight obstacles that were once just differences in personalities?

All at once, you wonder if you even miss the one who used to hold all of your attention and all of your heart.  Moments away become breaths of fresh air and moments together are just sharing the same space, almost interacting.   All at once, you wonder if you are just together because you are used to being together, you are accustomed to his habits and schedule and you are so much a part of his life and he is so much a part of yours that life without him is unimaginable.  All at once, you wonder at what point the problems became bigger than the need to be together and all at once, you are breathing on your own more and more.  Apathy has crept in and taken over where passion used to be.  Physical attraction is all that is left but without an emotional connection it may as well be anyone, not the man who used to be your oxygen.

Love has lost its luster.   Suddenly, minutes, hours, and even days can go by without seeing one another and sharing only short, awkward conversations for moments when conversations used to last for hours on the way towards one another. Where did it all go wrong?

Where do you go from here?  Do you fight for what you know in the relationship that you have become so accustomed to or do you just let it go with your apathetic mentality knowing the problems have just gotten too big to overcome?  The person you once saw as your ever after has just become a persons struggling to have a good life as well, not necessarily in your same general direction.  Perhaps you were foolish in planning the distant future too soon.  You jumped the gun and this is the result.  People said there would be hardships but no one said they would be this simple and complex all at once.

"Damp, Drizzly November"

 "Whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul"—Herman Melville, Moby-Dick
The month of November has always been a happy time for me.  There is my birthday, which is always special, and there is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, and there is plenty of football.  The days are becoming cooler but the sun still shines.
I am beginning to understand what Herman Melville spoke of in this introduction to Moby Dick, the oppressive feeling of gloom.  Classes are going slower, and the schedule of the semester is starting to wear on the students.  Energy and motivation and time are running out and soon the semester will come to a close.  It is more than just the weighing down of an abundance of schoolwork that needs to be finished before the close though.
Times are changing and next semester will be different, fresh, and sparkling new.  For now though, there is a "damp, drizzly November in my soul" and I long for things I cannot have.  I feel lost and lonely and just gloomy.  I ache for Thanksgiving and Christmas, for the warmth.  Distances are becoming farther.
Soon enough November will end, won't it?

Birthdays

When I was small my birthday was the best day.  My birthday was the day that was entirely mine and all of the wonderful things of the year happened in this one day.  I was one year older, one year closer to being grown up, one year to add to my collected years that would improve my seniority, one year more to count on my fingers until I ran out.  Time would drag between the birthdays, the days that were mine.  The year between would be endless and the days before more than infinite.  A strange occurrence happened though at each birthday, looking back to the birthday before the time between now and then seemed to have been a mere moment.  The days of waiting were, in the grand scheme of things, not long at all and as I have grown older yet the time of waiting does not affect me and the time between in less than instant.
Now i just want to go back because birthdays become less exciting with age.  Now you wish for time to slow and birthdays to creep along slowly like molasses.  You wish for more time and more space between the increasing age of your body.  Now we are too big to fit into the same spaces we did as a child.  All of my cousins can no longer fit as comfortable within a car at the maximum occupancy.  We are too old for things like Easter Egg Hunts and riding the small ponies and digging the trenches for the toy tractors and dump trucks.  My childhood friends have grown and are beginning to fade away like the sunset and go their own ways.  The forever of the best friend is coming to an end.  There are different animals on the farm, familiar yet new, some old, some young, each with a story, each a mere nick on the post of the fence, a mere moment in the age-old land.
I do not like the changing times.  I wish to slow the moments down.  This time in my life is tumultuous and changing.  The twenties are a transitory time in the life of any person.  It is the time after the childhood, the beginning of growing up and becoming individually independent.  It is the ending of a time and the beginning of a time, it is the  time in between,  It is the time of finding the one to settle down with, the time of finding the rest of our life.
In this time of change I have new experience and I am nostalgic for old constants.  I visit the place of my roots less.  I no longer have the time to wander the pastures with the horses as they graze, to pass my hand along the cotton or corn stalks in the fields as I walk down the rows, to watch the clouds, the birds, and the skies.  My time outside does not end when it becomes too dark to see, now there is a numerical time that minds me.
Birthdays are still exciting.  I can add each one to the collection of days that are only mine.  I hold less anticipation for them and feel less sadness when they are gone.  I have grown one year older and the times are a-changing.  Nostalgia for what I had is present but for now I attempt to escape the numerical times and hold my faith in the good that is yet to come.

Loving the Rain

It was only a glance, a pause at a red light just before it changed. A flashing moment, that upon further consideration gave way to an elaborate style.  The girl was carrying her shoes and running in that trying-not-to-slip manner.  The rain was pouring down and soaked through all of her clothes upon impact.  Her hair was free and sticking to her neck and face and she still had so far to go.  The cars on the road beside the sidewalk on which she was traversing would occasionally splash a wave of water up as they shuffled through the traffic lights.  Upon first glance any on-looker would pity her, caught in the relentless rain and so far from anywhere with shelter.
In this moment she was laughing.  Not three steps behind her was a guy about her age; her partner in the empty world of the rain.  Rain has a way of isolating a person.  One is easily isolated from shelter of other people especially under the cover of an umbrella or rain jacket.  This couple had no protection and they were together alone in the rain.  He had no face and is less important because it is not his story, it is hers.
He was important to her though.  She was laughing and he was with her and she was not alone she was soaking wet and so far from anything and perfectly happy.  She was with him and they were alone in this world of rain running along this never-ending sidewalk.  The destination did not matter and the cars did not matter and the time did not matter.  Time was at a stand still and for a moment the girl was consumed with the warmth of happiness and love.
The light turned green.

Fluent

As I am learning to speak French, and as I attempted to learn Spanish in high school, I am increasingly amazed with the way people can become fluent in a foreign language, let along languages.  I imagine language comes more naturally to certain people such as math or athletics or music is more natural to others.  I also imagine some people learn the foreign language quickly through necessity and/or total immersion.  Then there are those devoted scholars with nothing to drive them beyond desire to learn a new language.  However the knowledge has been obtained I am completely in awe of the fluent speakers of foreign languages.  The more exotic the language is the more admiration I have for the individual.  One may argue that all foreign languages are exotic but I disagree.  For example, in Texas there are very many Spanish speakers, therefore a student of Spanish has probably heard, seen, or perhaps even utilized many Spanish words.  I am merely saying some languages a student has been exposed to while others are one may know exists but has never heard or seen written.  For example, before learning French in school I had only seen it written down a couple of times (if at all) and heard it perhaps a few times.  I have only heard Greek or Italian spoken in movie,s I have no idea how to begin to differentiate between Chinese and Japanese (so to me these are all more exotic languages), and Swahili and Polish are completely exotic.  Perhaps one with more worldly experience than I would learn a different foreign language faster than I could.  

Moreover, I crave to be able to say with confidence, "oh yes, I am fluent in French" and proceed to carry out a conversation with ease.  I would love to have thoughts or perhaps even dreams in French.  I sometimes become very excited when I make a mistake and write a word in French rather than in English, or when talking with a friend about my French class and my brain automatically begins to try to translate everything I wish to say into French. In these instances, I feel I am showing progress and perhaps learning more than I may realize.  On the other hand, whenever I fail French homework assignments repeatedly or have extreme difficulties with French tests I become somewhat discouraged and realize just how much more I have to learn. 

As for now I remain completely jealous of the bilingual and long for the day I may join this accomplished group of devoted scholars.  To be able to write prose and stories in two different languages would be sublime.  To be able to choose which language a given story would show more meaning in would expand my literary experience.  Similar ideas may be shared across languages but words are unique.  Words define our human experience and some languages may explain a phenomenon more vividly than others.  

Words and language are beautiful aspects of human culture and fundamental to human society and global interaction.  Fluency across languages is paramount.  

Night Life

People go out at night and get drunk and dance and have a great time.  This is an essential truth that happens worldwide nightly.  The night makes it seem like someone can escape from the life of the day and become a new, risk-taking, care-free person without a care in the world.  Many go out in order to socialize with their friends and meet new people and embrace this sexy person they can become in the dim lights and loud music.
The night begins by taking forever to actually leave and then arriving fashionably late.  This is achieved in different ways for guys and gals.  The ladies of course change clothes about fifty times while getting progressively more intoxicated and excited in a blur of eyeliner, mascara, flat irons, and hairspray.  The make up is heavy and so is the perfume.  The hair is big and the outfits are small.  The men, well, who knows what they do really?  Finally, everyone piles into the car in order to reach the destination which will probably evolve into another destination and some of your friends will probably lose articles of clothing, wallets, purses, I.D.s, keys, cell phones, and more.  The night is filled with excitement and wonder and mistakes and eventually everyone goes home or, most likely, falls asleep.
Its fun right?  Exciting.  Sometimes full of drama but always different and one night is never the same as the night before.  There are never the same people or even the same venues.  Going out is an adventure.
  Nowadays though I have lost my need to go out and desperately crave attention.  That is what night life is about right?  The attention from the cute guys and the girls that want to be you.  Whenever you are in a good, meaningful relationship though that need for attention goes away.  You only want to look good for the one who matters.  I am not saying don't go out with your friends and have fun I am just saying that you know the whole night who you are missing.  You know how much you don't want attention from the guys, you just want attention from him.
And when that one person isn't there sometimes you find yourself question why you even bothered being there yourself.

Maybe you don't agree with me or maybe you don't understand but I hope for your sake you do someday and you have that person you would rather be with than anywhere else.